DIRTY SUDS

wait, what?

2011-06-11T20:36:00.000-07:00

You say that you love me
But what do you know
You say that you're scared
Maybe I should go
Grab my hand as I turn to leave
Or say your weird "BYE"
I laugh at your jokes
But there's more to you, guy
Everything is light-hearted
Jokes and pleasantries for days
Til you gaze grips mine
...let me count the ways
Where did you come from?
Such an unexpected guest
But you've taken over my world
Now I'll hope for the best

kaboom

2010-07-11T17:48:00.001-07:00

all that confidence built up over time
feeling stronger than ever before
hope of finding Happy feeling secure
and one woman took it away
her wrecking ball of disapproval shattered every block
and all that is left is a pile of rubble
please tread lightly, contents still unstable

Whoa Nelly

2010-05-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ambiguity leaves my head in a whirl.
Not knowing where I stand or if I am your girl.
No labels no defense no names not a clue
Is there any meaning in my sleeping with you?
Guarded and jaded from all who came before
Each night that you are with me, I'm left there wanting more
The truth has yet to show itself, you're there not here with me
So what can a girl tell herself other than wait and see
How much time will it take for you to shoot me down
My heart and legs have been opened, I'm vulnerable, go to town
My pain, I own, I let you in
You filled a void and I felt good, but it was all just sin

*************
this is crap, but i might try my hand at writing some "trashy" poetry next... you know, there's good money is trashy novels so maybe I can cash in on that industry
hahahaha

painted portrait

2010-04-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

One lonely fiend took out his palate one day
And painted a portrait of a beast
A woman of scorn and tears and rage
A lover he would never meet
Her hair like quills of an armored shield
Her eyes of hypnotic green
Displayed for the world to know her name
And labeled, the queen of mean
How awful, they thought, to know such a witch
We'd burn her if we had the chance
Ages past and spectators admired the detail of this man's work
Until one day a lonely traveler entered town square
Her features were dark and expression exhausted but all the towns people just stared
It did not take long before the eyes were known and the crowd roared with disgust
A tear rolled down the weary woman's face as she spotted the artist through the mob
Her right hand raised holding a single white rose, outstretched in his direction
The artist was silent as he advanced through the horde
Passing through, the congregation grew silent
He took the rose as her chin raise and their eyes locked as once before
As his blue pools welled his cracking voice whispered "I'm sorry" and the masses, they gasped.
As the tired woman turned away to leave the rumbling grew to a roar
Was that the witch?
Did her eyes burn?
How could you let her leave?
The artist stood, staring at the rose, a symbol of innocence and purity
"You only know one picture, not her" was all he said as his tears began to fall
Destroying the painting was all he could do
He knew they would never forget
Consumed by guilt, he could not stay and hear stories of the mean queen he created
He packed up his paints and set off to find her
Vowing not to rest until he held her wounded heart

moteL

2010-04-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

One unoccupied room
Vacancy sign humming
A lonely traveler arrives and asks if he can stay.
Will the inn keeper be satisfied with this stranger staying here?
Outsiders aren't often accepted around these parts
The traveler is turned away
Days later, another inquires
She stares at him with weary eyes
Has the scent of the last occupant gone already?
She looks up the road, hoping for headlights
One queen sized bed
Seems a waste to leave it empty

craving

2009-11-07T03:33:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those, one of those days...
When you wish you could just stay in bed-- not have to go anywhere nor have anything on your to-do list.
Not have to put on clothes. Makeup. Shoes. 4 layers.
Just have somebody who loves you bring you some apple sauce and hot blackberry tea. Lay in bed and talk about nothing until you doze off into a beautiful dream state.
Rinse. Repeat.
Wake up with an arm around you... or an armpit in your face. Whichever.
Have them pull me closer and pretend not to notice as I wipe my drool off of their arm.
Yeah... I could go for one of those.

twinkle

2009-08-19T22:24:00.000-07:00

One incautious step lands unsteady
You slip and fall flat on your ass
Fate opens a skylight to reveal a shining star
You had never thought to look up before
The beauty may have been there the whole time

a shard of glass

2009-08-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

During creation art takes form
Nothingness acquires shape
Beauty emerges from ether
A glowing ball spins atop a steel rod
Expanding, elongating
The artist never knows what he's working on
As his first breath is welcomed into the mass he has pulled from the fire
Masterful potential in constant vulnerability
As a larva transforms, growing glorious wings
A dark glowing droplet blooms into lucent radiance
Before the treasure is complete, she falls
Instantly shattering on impact with the cold concrete
Royal shards are swept into a pan
The creator pauses to save a memory of this vision
Her unique shape maintained as he softens her imperfect edges
Somewhere, some day, somebody will appreciate her unique beauty
(c)LBA

look, listen and feel

2009-04-14T06:45:00.000-07:00

The gentlest brush of his fingertips
Ignites scores of delight across my limbs
Every hair electrified
Skin completely tantalized
No matter where or when
His touch is unmistakable
The tingle rushes through my veins
Throbbing heart resonates loud and clear
Like a sweet cool breeze his breath sweeps across my neck
I turn to meet those sparkling pools
I can see all my dreams in the sea within his eyes
Mysterious blue grey oceans
Flooded with secrets and dreams
I could drown in his tears

Shit Happens

2009-04-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

Shit. You amaze me.
These days, not much in life is absolutely certain.
But you... You are.
No matter what, I always know that you will be there.
Not only will you happen, but you will always stink.
Your stench can be overwhelming.
You are vile.
Sometimes you are devistatingly painful.
Other times your potency is hidden...
As a source of certainty, you trump most others I can think of:
You always happen... you always stink...
And you always end.
I know you'll be back before long, but I get a break.
Releasing the weight of your burden is an imeasurable relief.
Holding onto you or spending too much time analyzing you, obsessing over your complexity, just keeps me from that gratifying end.
Any discomfort I blame on you should be directed at myself.
A viscious cycle.
Obsessing over the discomfort and unpleasantness, bitching about your recurrant pattern, extending the time before your end.
Shit.

(c)2009 LBA

take it away

2009-03-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

A naive heart with unobtainable expectations
I pin it on my sleeve and garnish with one pink rose
(c)LBA

everything I've ever wanted

2009-03-25T00:18:00.000-07:00

Touch me
Spoon me
Let me spoon you
Kiss me
Push the shopping cart, I'll pull from the side
Sneak neck kisses while I'm on the phone
Look me in the eye
Let me breathe you in
Watch my every move as I walk in the door
Undress me like I'm a Christmas present
Let me catch you staring
Hold my hand
Hold my back pocket as we stand in the checkout line
Bring me coffee at the library
Let me buy you flowers
Be on my team
Teach me something
Let me teach you
Make sure I'm not picked last for kickball
Go sledding with me
Write our names in the sand
Remember my birthday
When I drool on your arm, hold me closer
Laugh with me
Talk to me
Let me in - your head and your heart
Don't try to give me advice when I just want you to listen to me vent
Don't hold back, be honest
Think I'm beautiful
Have goals... go for them!
Stand up to me
Let me win sometimes
Stay up late with me
Let me love you on a crazy level
Don't judge me when I break down
Tell me I'll be a great mom someday
Don't give up on me
Let me struggle, it makes me strong
Always be ready to hold out your hand
Lend me a quarter on laundry day
Tell me what I'm forgetting
Notice the little things
Smile when you find my crappy love notes in your gym bag
Write me a crappy love note sometime
Play on playgrounds with me
Don't let me slack on my chores... my homework... or appreciating you
Be yourself
Love me.

starshine

2009-03-16T19:16:00.000-07:00

I tilt my head back and stare into forever
Closing my eyes to dream
You are the star I wish upon
Though I am the one who's falling
Tumbling from miles above
Chase me. Catch me.
I am yours
Keep me safe but do not hide me
Light is a sign of hope

the long and the short

2009-03-03T20:11:00.001-08:00

Often I find myself reflecting upon relationships that have come and gone in my life. The ones I focus on heavily are the ones that seemed so strong and then disappear completely. We often call the people whom we've known the longest our "best friends." But who are mine? What relationships do I have?

Britney Spears was ridiculed for having a 54 hour marriage. But I just had one of the greatest 60 second relationships ever today (this blog was originally writen in August). No, it wasn't romantic nor physical. But it did touch my heart. I was deciding between 2 bookbags at TJ Maxx today and a little girl walking past me looked up, smiled and waved. I waved back and noticed she had one of those Giant universal remotes in her hands. I commented "Wow! That thing is awesome! I bet you'll never lose that in the couch!" She giggled and asked me if I had one that big. I told her that I did not, but maybe I should because I always lose my little one. She stopped for a moment, looked at the remote while she fiddled to put the battery cover back on. Success. Looked up at me and said "I think that's a pretty good idea." I smiled and thanked her. She paused to see if I would say anything else and before she started to walk away I asked her which bag she liked better. After examining them both for a moment, she pointed to the brown Jansport backpack instead of the sleak black Kennith Cole messenger bag. I looked at the bag, looked back and her and said "You're right, this is the one." She smilied proudly and skipped away to find her mom. That is what makes my world go round.

Now I look at my long-term relationships. First at those that are no more. Sarah Hutjens- I have no idea what she's up to. We were close as could be and then we just fizzled out... distance. Amanda Baszynski- moved just to the next suburb, but long before technology and now, no idea. I didn't have many if any close friends in high school so, that's out. College, most of those relationships were based around partying...Those that stuck: there are VERY few. Steph, Stevie, Amanda, Ashley and Becca... I look at each of these relationships and try to figure out what has allowed them to stay tight even though distance, time and life chapters have all taken their tole... it's kind of amazing. The ways I met each of them astounds me... I just hope that each of them is still on my "bests" list in 10, 20, 30 years...

So what's more important? How do we weigh our relationships? Number of phone calls per month? Texts per day? Facebook comments? Maybe for some people.
Some may have lots of friends whom they've been close to and will remain so forever... but that's just not how my life has been. My friends don't really talk much or often, but when we do it's on a crazy-deep level. I just don't have them here with me... or blowing up my phone. My life has lasted this long because of the little smiles and giggles I share with my "single serving friends." Strangers amaze me.

Masochist

2009-01-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

A new hope was planted
Thoughts of you, of us, flooded my every moment
I watched the glitter fall from the sky
Riding the mountain just like you showed me
Diamond dust sparkling in the light of the sun
Then the moon showed me a whole new beauty
I wanted you there, here, with me
The little wings were starting to shake out
Ready to spread, anticipating the word
Just say Go
Total trust in your words, in your promises
I peaked
You know I can't help myself when I know something's hiding
Too excited, like Christmas
So I crossed a line, and there if was
Those words
My words
OUR words
You took them away
You gave them to her
WRENCHING in my chest
Unstopable tear-flow
I needed time.
You took yours... and gave mine away
My time, my words, my heart
My soul lies on a dagger
Each shudder sending new pain through every inch of me
I brought this on myself.
I'm into self-harm.

To love a pirate

2008-12-24T07:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not the easiest person to let into your heart...
I raped his love. I pilaged his heart. I tried to bury him where nobody else would look. I wasn't ready to enjoy my treasure so I sailed far away and left him stranded.
You see, a pirate's life is a lonely one. Nobody ever taught me about what to do when a person is my treasure. I grew up only understanding what materials were important and feelings were never talked about. When I discovered this amazing feeling that I've learned to call love, I wanted to keep it a secret. Every time I'd ever discovered something that felt valuable, I'd learned to hide it away as not to alert others of my posession so they may try to steal it. I didn't know you can't put a feeling in your pocket-- since it doesn't really belong to you.
So he took it back.
I miss my precious jewel.
I asked if I could hold it again... he said he'd think about it... and then he held me.

untitled

2008-11-16T07:45:00.000-08:00

I've torn through the woods
Combed the deserts
Rummaged through sale racks
Searching...

My eyes and ears have always been perked.
Where's my holywood romance??

I can buy a dress that I think looks amazing when I'm in the dressing room... and then when I wear it the next day, I'll check out the girl at the end of the bar and wish I'd found what she's wearing... forgetting that I thought I looked great until I checked her out :-/

Never quite satisfied.
Constant comparison.
Taking it all for granted.

Once... I looked all over the house for (I'm not exagerating) an HOUR looking for a t-shirt. One grey tshirt with a skater on it... I drove myself nuts looking for it. After what felt like forever, I finally realized that I already had it on - just under a sweatshirt.

HOLY fK WADS Prince Charming is coming to dinner??? Clean up! I have to look good... So, I wait for hours... you sit there on the couch shaking your head.
Wait... are you?
Shit.
If only I'd had that moment where I stopped and looked under my sweatshirt...I'd have seen my heart.

It would have been a lovely evening

2008-11-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

A perfect teal cylinder
Smoothly covered in soft icing
I thought of you instantly when I saw it
I pictured us sharing bits as we sipped on ice cold milk and giggled at nonsense
The lady packaged it nicely
I brought it home and set the table
But you're not coming, are you?
Nobody is.
It's just me, and this confection
Alone, hashing out our issues
Staring at the yellow crumbs and streak of pale blue left on the cardboard, I think victory is mine!
Then I realize…
I lost.

Deadly

2008-10-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

Lust, Gluttony, Envy
Deep desires burning within
Convinced indulgence will satisfy
Contented through sin
Relief hastily overtaken by guilt
Could remembers Should
Gorged with gaping emptiness
Negativity buffet, Fulfillment famine

The garbage man comes on Tuesdays

2008-10-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just get into a mode
I can't stop
Obsessively perfecting
I threw it away
I didn't even know it was happening
It suffocated on the plastic bag
Long before I realized my mistake
It must have been torture

Smile Sundae

2008-06-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

I order a Smile
A bowl of hardened chocolate and carmel
Two scoops of custard
Covered with fudge, peanuts and guilt
Smooth cold swallows of creamy perfection
I lick every last taste from the plastic spoon
As I toss the clean container I stop and wonder
Where's my smile?

Losing Faith

2008-06-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

My cup is empty
Will He not make it rain?
Others' overflow
Joy and laughter abound
My arid existence goes unnoticed
Begging for a drop to quench my thirst
Not a raincloud for miles
A gaping heart aches for healing
Will He not lend His hand?
Abandonment
All is lost
He left me solo
So low
Pt.2
I've spent 14 years in this desert
Where are my multitudes?
I've opened my heart and my arms
Where's my Gabriel?
I've struggled to stay with You
Where's the burning bush?
No more stories from others
No more palaces of brick and stone
Show Yourself to me

Please hear what I'm not saying

2008-05-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

I stare up into an empty sky
Not a twinkle to be found
Hundreds of miles and a blanket between us
Hiding is easier than facing the fear of falling
Pt.2
Two sparks meet in a dark space
A flame ignites, briefly revealing what is there
Two empty souls lost in an empty room
Nothing to show for it but burnt sheets

My Mirror

2008-01-31T07:43:00.000-08:00

Here I am
On my park bench.
Waiting.
Alone.
Winds get cold
Numbing the face
Tears cease
Life has become blurry
I need glasses
Am I watching a movie?
Hand outstretched
I hit something.
Cold and uninviting
I can't hide from my reflection.

Lilies

2008-01-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

You said you liked lilies
Soft and simple.
Tiger lilies have some flare.
Orange can be harsh sometimes
It's not for everyone
Pink pettles are more friendly
Most would agree
Throw away the orange ones - they clash
Watch silently as the garbage lady drives away

Organ Donor

2008-01-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

My ratty four door stuffed to capacity
Material possessions strategically aligned
Boxes, shipped
Everything I own fits snuggly in this car
Did I forget anything?
Clothes in suitcases
Art in boxes
Shoes in a pile behind my seat
Our dog next to me
I look down into sad amber eyes and a rush comes over me
I slam on the breaks
Tears overflow
I left my heart on the pillow.

In Our Garden

2007-12-29T07:42:00.000-08:00

A pair of tulip bulbs, planted
One right next to the other
They grow together
Others admire their beauty and grace
Below the dirt, roots entangle
Stealing water and nutrients
Strangling, choking
Wanted: A gentle gardener..

City Light

2007-05-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Landlocked constellations
Trapped beneath a brown blanket
Fighting to glow
From atop nature's highest thrown
A delicate gold chain draped across Mother's neck
Radiantly highlighting Her beautiful curves
Encrusted with precious jewels, it sparkles
Catching the eye of any who take the time to notice
In person, these gems seem obnoxious
Distracting from the diamonds above
Our gift is our burden
Smile with it while you still can

Fight It

2007-03-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Confidence Stepping forward, away from worry
Chin high, nose to the grind
Make them laugh
Make them smile
Too much laughter can be a turn off
Stay positive
Surrounded by optimism
Only good things can be attracted
Silence is unnerving
Doubt is a sly fox
FIGHT IT!
Options are weighed out
Reasons
Fate
Smile and let it happen

Everything Fades

2007-02-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it's like I'm lost
Sometimes I feel found
One day you're standing next to me
Tomorrow there's empty ground
I wish the lightning wouldn't strike
So the thunder wouldn't follow
I wish the titans never clashed
So the wind would blow sweet and hollow
Utterances are never completely taken back
Once born, memories always live on
Leaving behind scars
We bang and bruise
Cut and stab
Until no more is felt
Even the tightest grip weakens
Rhymes fade
As do sentiment
Who can save us?

Ashes

2006-09-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

That fire in my eyes has turned to mere embers,
Still burning dimly under heaps of cold ash.
Help me rekindle them back into the raging inferno which once was…
for you.